


Best + Bitter = Better

by Justalittleobsessed



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gwaine thinks this is a little too funny, Lancelot is done too, Leon the long suffering, Let's just leave it at that, Magic Revealed, Merlin is So Done (Merlin), Merlin is a drama queen, Other, Sacrifice, crackfic, please save him, what even is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 06:22:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20559668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justalittleobsessed/pseuds/Justalittleobsessed
Summary: This was actually happening. They were being serious. They were actually being completely, utterly serious.“You can’t actually believe this.” He gestured wildly to the group of people in front of them. Well, as best as he could tied up. This was one of the most ridiculous things he had ever heard. This was… this was… he didn’t even know. “This is complete bullshit.”“Emrys was clear in his instructions. You must be sacrificed in order to bring peace to Albion”ORThe one where Merlin has had enough of everyone's shit.





	Best + Bitter = Better

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just here for the laughs. No funny business.

This was actually happening. They were being serious. They were actually being completely, utterly serious.

“You can’t actually believe this.” He gestured wildly to the group of people in front of them. Well, as best as he could tied up. This was one of the most ridiculous things he had ever heard. This was… this was… he didn’t even know. “This is complete bullshit.”

“Emrys was clear in his instructions. You must be sacrificed in order to bring peace to Albion”

So he had heard that right. How had the day gone this wrong so badly? It had started out as per usual. Merlin had woken up late. Rushed through his breakfast, practically sprinted through the halls, and proceeded to wake up his still very asleep King by dragging him out of bed after he refused to move. Then of course, he dodged a pillow flying at his face for waking up said prat, and ran down to the kitchens to receive his breakfast. After returning with breakfast to his chambers and rattling off the list of things he had on the agenda today, Arthur had apparently decided that none of his kingly duties needed to be attended to and promptly told Merlin to collect and pack their things as well as grab the Round Table Knights because they were going to go on a weekend long hunt.

This annoyed Merlin to no end. Arthur also knew this, and laughed quite loudly and irritatingly when Merlin’s quite cheerful expression turned sour. He then stopped laughing, looked at Merlin’s expression, and then went back to laughing his ass off. It was at this point that he was very much tempted to turn his King into a toad. Nobody would know. He could keep him as a pet. Then they would see who’s laughing. Again, none of this was out of usual.

They set out at midday, and when the sun set in the sky, they had only managed to catch two rabbits. This bothered the knights and made Merlin  _ extremely _ happy (and okay, Merlin might have used some magic to scare away the deer and other various woodland creatures that did not deserve to die, but who could say why the plentiful wildlife had suddenly disappeared. Except Lancelot, maybe. But he wouldn’t say anything about. He was a good friend like that). Two rabbits would barely make a dent back at the kitchens in Camelot, but would be enough for dinner that night. Tomorrow, Arthur announced, they would continue their hunt. 

After dinner had been served, and Gwaine had decided to recount one of his majorly over exaggerated stories, everybody had settled down to sleep. Just a normal day in the life of Merlin: Manservant of the Dollophead. 

What he didn’t expect was to wake up in a giant stone monument, tied up against the wall, with a group of half crazed druids surrounding an alter. An alter covered in yellow flowers of various species with glowing lines snaking around it. The room permeated magic. This made him slightly confused and very much suspicious. Apparently his friends were feeling the same things because they looked just as confused and possibly annoyed as Merlin was. Just a such, this is when the group began to approach their party. 

The leader of the little group (or Merlin was assuming so as the rest of the group followed into step behind him) was the one that made Merlin decide that they were utterly mad. This was too much for the day and the sun hadn't even come up yet. You can’t just declare to sacrifice people in the name of somebody without consulting them first. Which Merlin  _ knew _ they hadn’t, because he would have absolutely, totally, without a doubt, said no. Which brought them back to the present.

“You’re lying.”

Arthur slammed his foot down on Merlin’s. This was very painful and Merlin made sure to hiss at Arthur for the gesture. Arthur looked at him with a look that clearly said  _ you’re an idiot Merlin and need to shut up immediately _ , but Merlin ignored it because he was tired and didn’t want to be here and really did not feel like putting up with this bullshit.

“No! Emrys spoke to me,“ the leader looked very affronted at the look Merlin was giving him, “he told us that a sacrifice must be made on the full moon to ensure Albion’s fate.”

Okay. So, Merlin had a few problems with this. One, if any of those idiots had looked up at the sky, they would have seen that there was, in fact, no full moon. It was barely even a half-moon. So the sacrifice couldn’t even take place. Two, he was pretty sure no sacrifice would bring about the start of Albion. That was something that was up to Arthur (and he was doing a pretty good job of it if Merlin did say so himself). The last and most important detail was that Merlin had never  _ ever _ spoken to any of these people. And even if he had, it wasn’t to declare that people needed to get sacrificed in his name. That was just weird. Also creepy. Very, very, creepy.

“Ah no. No, I don’t believe you.” He straightened up from his spot on the ground to glare at the man more effectively.

“Merlin, mate, you need to shut up or you’re going to be the one they sacrifice.” Merlin sent an eye roll Gwaine’s way at the comment.  _ At this rate _ , Merlin thought,  _ I’m more than happy to die.  _

“You  _ do _ realize it’s not even a full moon, right? How will it even work if the conditions aren’t right?”

“We have a spell that will momentarily change the moon’s cycle. This must happen tonight or all will be lost.”

So, Merlin had read over about every spellbook in the vicinity of Camelot, and he knew that there wasn’t a single spell that could change the moon’s cycle. If he had to guess, he would be the only one that was even remotely capable of doing such a thing, and had no intention of ever attempting something this stupid. 

Merlin shook his head at that. “I don’t think that’s possible. Also, are you even sure that you actually spoke to Emrys? Because I’m not sure you would know who he is if he was right in front of you.” 

Lancelot snorted quite loudly at this before shooting him an amused look. Arthur and Gwaine were looking at him as if he was insane (he was  _ not _ , thank you very much), Percival looked concerned with his lack of concern at the situation, Elyan’s mouth was open in shock and the opening and closing of his jaw made him resemble a fish in all but scales, and Leon had shot him an alarmed look before resigning himself and looking to the sky as if praying it had the answers to as what the actual hell was happening.

“No. No! I’m pretty sure it was Emrys that I spoke to.” His group hummed in agreement. 

“Pretty sure? So you don’t know if it was actually Emrys. You are assuming. Honestly, you should check these things before you go around killing people.”

Arthur looked ready to throttle him. Which at this point, seemed a little redundant. “Mer _ lin _ , do you have a death wish?!” Yes, please kill him. He couldn’t deal with this anymore.

Merlin sent his glareiest glare at Arthur. If looks could kill, Arthur would have been dead. In a ditch. With flames surrounding him on all sides. Could no one really see how ridiculous this was?!

The druid leader frowned at Merlin. “It was Emrys. He said so. Also, I could feel the power radiating off of him. Nobody is that powerful.”

“No.”

Somebody please rescue him from this idiocy. Please. “Merlin,” Oh thank god for Lancelot-his hero, “I think we should believe him. He seems like he knows what he’s talking about. And you’re no expert, right?” The other knights hummed in agreement at Lancelot’s statement.

Fuck Lancelot. He can go die in a hole.

He was really,  _ really _ getting on the end of his rope here. You know what, screw it. Merlin didn’t care anymore. If they wanted to sacrifice somebody in the name of him, they would have to sacrifice the person themselves. “Fine. You want a sacrifice so badly, you can sacrifice me. I’m done.”

“You can’t actually be serious.”

“Mer _ lin _ what in the name of all things good are you doing?!”

“I accept you sacrifice.”

“No! No, you can’t just do that.”

“Don’t worry, I’m proving a point.” He held out his hands to the seemingly surprised druid to take. The man pulled him to his feet and walked him through the crowd of other druids towards the altar. Merlin ignored the cries of protests from his friends. Well, except the traitor, Lancelot. He was suspiciously quiet. “So what do I do? Just lay down here on this altar and you slit my throat or something? That is how it usually works, right?” Merlin hopped up the best as he could onto the stone slab, swinging his legs in front of him and promptly laying down. “Alright, I’m ready. Go ahead and kill me.”

Everyone in the room was looking at Merlin with a dumbfounded expression. Especially Arthur and that leader. The leader seemed to recover quickly though because he did, in fact, pull out an intricately carved knife from his boot. “Uh. Ye-yes. That’s what I’m going to do. What is your name, young man?” 

He didn’t want to ever be called that again. “Merlin. Now get on with it already.”

The group surrounded the altar and began chanting. He was pretty sure that the string of words did nothing, but he’d let them have this moment for now. Then they’d be in for a surprise. They wanted Emrys, they got him. As he expected, the man brought the knife down as the chanting grew louder, and then it was sliding across his throat. The edges of Merlin’s vision where starting to fade and he could faintly himself gurgling. Then the world went black.

When he woke up again, it was to yelling. Lots and lots of yelling. Apparently his death wasn’t well received. On either end.

The knights were yelling from where they were tied up. Everything from threats to obscenities flew out of their mouth. The druids oh the other hand, seemed to be very confused. He didn’t know what they expected to happen when he died, but obviously whatever it was was  _ not  _ happening. Oh, he was going to  _ love  _ this.

He discreetly used his magic to break the rope that tied his hands together. The wound, when he felt it, was there, but now superficial at best. Benefits of being the most powerful sorcerer on the planet, he guessed. The blood, much to his dismay, had got onto his scarf. He was not happy about this. One more thing he was going to have to clean. But then, an idea popped in his head. Oh, this would scare them alright.

Merlin smeared the blood over his face, and when he adopted the smile of an insane man, he thought he might have looked terrifying. He reached deep within himself and pulled at his magic. Above him, the clear night clouded over with an aggressive storm. Thunder rumbled in the distance and the wind picked up. Merlin chose this moment to make his entrance. He did have a flair for the dramatics, after all.

In a burst of energy, he pulled the lightning down toward him and felt himself dissolve into the earth only to rematerialize between the two groups. “Surprise, bitch.” The screams that echoed as he spoke those words were the funniest things he had ever heard. Or maybe because everyone in the vicinity jumped off the ground at his voice.

Merlin let the wind pick up around him, whipping his jacket and hair as it swirled. He advanced towards the men, who now had expressions of terror etched on their faces. The wind echoed his voice as he spoke-making him look all that more threatening. “You dare try and kill me? I tried to reason with you and you slashed my throat. You tried to kill  _ me _ . I knew that no sacrifice would bring about the start of Albion. Just like I knew you fools didn’t talk to Emrys. You want to know how I know? You see,” he leaned into the leader’s face who, along with his group, was slowly backing towards the exit nearest to them, “ _ I am Emrys _ .” And when he gave them his biggest most manic grin, they bolted for the door. The fright in their eyes was enough payment for their stupidity. 

He slowly turned back to his group of friends, who were all looking at him with horrified expressions. Well, except Lance and Gwaine. Lancelot was giving him the most exasperated look he could muster, as if to say  _ was that really necessary _ ? And well, Gwaine was grinning at him like a madman. He seemed to have enjoyed that display very much.

The storm came to a stop around them as he released his hold on it, and he put his hand to his throat to heal the wound. Then Merlin laughed. He laughed and he laughed and he laughed. “Do you see how scared they were?! That was the funniest thing I have seen in my entire life! I should do that more often!”

Then, of all things, Gwaine started laughing. Lancelot was grinning and trying very hard to hold in his laughter. Based on the bewildered expressions he-and now Gwaine and Lance-were getting, this was not the expected reaction. He moved to where the group was tied up and proceeded to disintegrate the ropes with a wave of his hands. Lancelot was the first to stand up and he rubbed his wrists were they had been held together. “That was just a little dramatic, Merlin. You really didn’t need to die to prove your point.” 

“Yeah, but it was just a teensy tiny bit fun.” Gwaine, who’s laughing had just died down, burst into laughter again at that comment. 

Leon looked to the skies for answers once again. They didn’t seem to give him any as he frowned and looked back at the chaos around him. “You know what, I’m not even going to ask.”

Everybody had started to stand at this point, even the  _ very _ excitable Gwaine. “Wait, so if you’re this Emrys and from the looks of it have powerful magic than can you-”

“ _ No _ . I’m not using my magic to get you mead, Gwaine.”

Gwaine pouted at this. “Awwwwww. But  _ free mead _ !”

“No.”

Arthur was staring at him with an expression he couldn’t quite identify. He had a feeling he was either about to get embraced or yelled at. Quite loudly. Arthur approached him at this point and stop directly in front of him. He stared at Merlin for could have been seconds or minutes. Then he did something Merlin did not quite know how to process. He slapped him upside the head, and then threw Merlin into a one-armed hug, steering him towards the exit. The knights seemed to be eyeing these events with something akin to suspicion and surprise. “You’re an idiot, Merlin. When we get home, you’re telling me everything.”

Merlin sighed at this. This was a better reaction than any of the ones he’d had in his head. “Yeah-yeah, okay, prat.”

“What about us?” Gwaine had caught up to the King and his manservant, and gestured to his fellow knights behind him.

“Of course. You’re all going to  _ love _ some of the stories I have to tell.”

Gwaine winked at them. “Oh, I’m sure.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped you enjoyed it! Just a little something I put together because I can't sleep and wanted to make myself laugh. I hoped you laughed too :)


End file.
